An Open Letter to Sting

I wrote this a while ago as a submission to a web site that publishes clever and funny bits of writing. I was apparently neither clever nor funny enough to make the cut for publication, so I'll inflict it on you. If your conclusion is that I am neither clever nor funny, you can just keep it to yourself.

Naturally, I have taken a few liberties to protect my secret identity. I shall now return to my underground lair, where I continue to use my super powers to fight evil.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO STING

Dear Mr. Sting,

My name is Kevlar Pinata and I’m a professional musician. I play bass, just like you, except that when I say “just like you”, I don’t mean to suggest that I have my own castle in the English countryside, beachfront home in Malibu, or tastefully appointed villa in Tuscany. Rather, I have a 1996 Subaru Legacy Outback Wagon with 142,628 miles on it and live in a relatively pleasant townhouse in southern California.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for inspiring me to play music. Really, it’s all to your credit – or blame, as we shall later discuss – that I got into this whole music thing. I was 13 years old when “Synchronicity” came out and I remember looking at the liner notes on the record and seeing that you’d written all but two of the songs on the album. I saw that you played bass and sang, too. It all seemed pretty great, and I wanted that life – a life where I could play my songs at Shea Stadium, make loads of money, and record albums at a leisurely pace in my Tuscan villa. These were all fine things and seemed quite available to me through your example.

The thing of it is, I’m in my mid-thirties now, and it doesn’t look like the Shea Stadium thing is going to pan out for me. (The Tuscan villa also looks exceedingly unlikely.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up on making music, but I have to admit that it’s looking mighty improbable that I’m about to become rich and famous in the process.

I’ve done much of the same seemingly noble up-and-comer stuff that you did early in your career – I’ve played small clubs for no money in front of four people and written song after song that seemed catchy enough – but things never quite took flight for me the way they did for you. After a number of years of playing music at horrible venues for unappreciative drunks, I really started to wonder if I’d made the proper career choice, but I don’t think it was until quite recently that I realized I’d completely crapped away any possibility of financial success in my life.

I’m a reasonably smart guy by most objective standards; I had fine grades in high school, scored well on my SATs, and could have gone to one of the better universities and become a dentist or something. Did I do that? No, of course not. During those all-important times of teenaged decision making, I had to pop ol’ Synchronicity on and get inspired to pursue my musical dreams. So, I wound up being a music major and chasing after something that – years later – I have come to realize is infantile fantasy. Of course, this realization would have been far more helpful to me if it had come to my attention perhaps eighteen years ago, but realizations just happen to come when they come. I’m sure you understand.

It is fair to ask: is this all your fault? Well, I suppose I have to cut you some slack here. It’s not as if you personally called me up and told me to flush my career potential away chasing a dream, but you did make Bring on the Night, which had this whole risk-it-all-in-the-name-of-a-dream thing going on, so I don’t think you’re completely off the hook. You did fan the flames a bit with your little documentary, you must admit that.

So, I’ve done some math, and I’m proposing a settlement of sorts. Here is the ledger of our transactions, as best I can calculate:

Me, paid to you:

Purchases:
“Synchronicity” on LP: $10.95
“Zenyatta Mondatta” on cassette: $9.95
“Ghost in the Machine” on cassette: $9.95
“Regatta de Blanc” on LP: $8.95
“Outlandos D’Amour” on LP: $8.95
“Zenyatta Mondatta” re-released on CD: $12.95
“Outlandos D’Amour” re-released on CD: $12.95
“Message in a Box” on CD: $53.99
“Dream of the Blue Turtles” on LP: $10.99
“Dream of the Blue Turtles” autographed copy on LP: $18.99
“Bring on the Night” on LP: $16.99
“Nothing Like the Sun” on LP: $9.99
12” dance mix of re-recorded version of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”: $8.99
Concert ticket, “Nothing Like the Sun” tour: $25.00
Tour shirt and program, “Nothing Like the Sun” tour: $30.00
“The Soul Cages” on CD: $13.99
Concert ticket, “Soul Cages” tour: $30.00
Tour shirt, “Soul Cages” tour: $20.00
“Ten Summoner’s Tales” on CD: $15.99
“Police: Live” on CD: $14.99
“Mercury Falling” on CD: $15.99
“Brand New Day” on CD: $14.99
“Sacred Love”, downloaded via iTunes: $9.99
Concert ticket, “Sacred Love” tour: $60.00
“All This Time” DVD: $24.99
Pins and posters during teen years: $80.00
“Fields of Gold” CD: $12.99

Subtotal for purchases: $563.51

Lost wages:

Career earnings, based upon having heard “Synchronicity: and deciding to become a musician: 40 years @ $59,970/year (average full-time musician’s salary according to the Princeton Review) = $2,398,800

Career earnings, assuming I’d never heard “Synchronicity” and therefore not decided to go into music – deciding instead to become a dentist: 40 years @ $113,785/year (average US dentist’s salary): $4,551,400

Subtotal for lost wages (Dentist earnings subtract musician earnings): $2,152,600

I believe that any fair assessment of the financial impact you have had on my life would ultimately come to the conclusion that you owe me somewhere between the $563.51 I have paid to you and the $2,152,600 your career has clearly cost me in lost earning potential. In fairness to you, I am willing to offer a compromise solution splitting the difference.

Subtotal for lost wages subtract subtotal for purchases divided by two: $1,076,018.25

I am sure you will agree that this is in fact a quite fair settlement, owing to the fact that I am only holding you accountable for half of my lost earning potential and clearly acknowledging my complicity in the arrangement by taking responsibility for the other million dollars and change. Plus, I factored in the five hundred bucks or so that I've paid to you and that have helped to pay for your yoga lessons or whatever.

I look forward to receiving your timely reimbursement. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Kevlar Pinata